Looking for God by a Former Catholic Nun

By Agnès Beau

I had a very happy childhood, surrounded by a large family with loving, pious parents. My father, in particular, sincerely believed in God. He was born in Russia at the end of the nineteenth century. When the Bolshevik Revolution broke out in 1917, he fought on the side of the Tsar. A bullet hit the twenty-year-old in the left temple, after which he immediately went blind. Since the bullet lodged in his temple, he had no further damage.

In his parents’ house, they were reading books about Lourdes, and my father decided to travel there and pray for healing. He packed all his savings, bought a train ticket, and started the great journey. But after only thirty kilometers of travel, he was robbed; his money and the ticket were stolen, but he did not lose his passport. Determined not to be dissuaded from his plan, he returned home and told what had happened to him. With the help of his youngest sister, he then went around the surrounding villages asking for some money to buy a new train ticket. And so, after two months, he arrived in Lourdes. On the way, he experienced how people took him in, helped him, and drove him a bit.

My father was not healed in Lourdes, but he was not discouraged because he had experienced the goodness of God so many times in his life. He always prayed to the Lord, and it seemed that he could see Him with his heart. God rewarded his faith and gave him a compassionate, studious man from the upper class of society to assist him in this idolatrous city. He had a noble heart and a noble house, and he took care of my father as if he were his own son. This is the background of why Lourdes will always appear in my testimony.

Our daily family life was characterized by a respect for God. We prayed before and after meals and every evening. Most of the time, we knelt down to do so, especially my parents. I loved this God-fearing atmosphere. When I had to stay in bed for a long time at the age of eight, I found a New Testament in a drawer in my parents’ room. I read enthusiastically what it said about the life of Jesus. I had already heard people speak about Jesus, but reading the text myself was something completely different. I enjoyed this reading so much that I no longer minded being sick. In my little child’s head, I thought about what I could do to always be with Jesus. At that moment, I made the decision to become a nun, like my aunt. This desire and ideal stayed with me throughout my youth. Unlike my sisters, I didn’t fret over boys; I just thought the opposite sex was dumb. I was often laughed at because of my decision to never marry and become a nun, but I bore it patiently. I waited for the moment when I could enter a convent.
Finally, I was eighteen—the time I had set for myself to leave everything. With great joy, I entered a Dominican convent.

The Monastery

The entrance interview confused me. I had come to be close to the Lord, but now I was told that in order to please God, I must first take care of my personal life and work to eradicate my faults and sins. I accepted this rule, of course, because I told myself, God could not be close to a dirty and rebellious person. So, with all my heart and energy, I faced all the instructions of the superiors. I hoped that the faster I would fit into the prescribed mold, the faster I would achieve the expected holiness.

Unfortunately, holiness did not arrive on command; the naïve joy I had at the beginning faded more and more, and the communion with Jesus for which I longed so much failed to materialize. I felt as if He had abandoned me, He who had so filled my youthful years. But because I did not want to lose Him, I held on to the monastic life as best I could.

After the novitiate, the Order assigned me to various places to assist the secretariats. My life was rather bleak—but I did not lose sight of my goal. Fourteen years passed in this sadness, and often I rebelled. Then something extraordinary happened: Pope Paul VI instructed the religious orders to review their monastic rules in the light of the New Testament. We each had to read the letters of the apostle Paul separately and then discuss them in community with the others. Fresh air moved in through the gate of our monastery!

When I came to the apostle Paul’s epistle to the Galatians, I realized that, like the Jews, I was living under the law and thus had no access to grace. After that, I distrusted the rules that governed monastic life. I was dead inside, and I was sure that if I stayed in those structures, I would end up in Hell. I was desperate to leave, but that raised the next question: would I find God easier in the world than in the monastery? Where was God anyway? My many sins weighed me down. Although I went to confession again and again, their crushing burden remained and weighed on my conscience. Yes, Hell awaited me, I knew it. Fear of death enveloped me without end, all the more so because I was in poor health. My mental agony also led to weight loss. In all this, the 51st Psalm accompanied me. Again and again, I sang these verses:

For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom. . . . Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. (Psalm 51:3-6 and 12-13)

How many tears I shed, alone in the darkest corner of the chapel or at night in bed when I was afraid to fall asleep because I was carrying death within me. This is the situation I found myself in when the Lord bowed down over my painful life.

God Intervenes

Two years after I began to study the Scriptures, there was a great challenge to overcome that finally led to my liberation. One day, I was informed that my mother had broken a leg and wanted me to come to Lourdes to take care of her. My superiors, knowing how bad I was, did not want me to leave the convent. They suggested that my mother come to me so that I could take care of her on site at the convent. But, my mother disagreed. I then decided to go to the superior in charge of the monastery, that is, the bishop. When he heard what it was about, he said to me, “If it were my mother, I would go and take care of her.” That brought clarity! For the first time in my sixteen years of monastic life, I made my own decision. I went back to the monastery after the talk and said, “I’m leaving tomorrow.” And I really did leave. The superiors gave me just enough money for the train ticket. But from that moment on, I experienced the generosity of the Lord, who took care of me.

Two months after returning to my mother, when I had gone shopping at the market, the Lord made himself known to me. Next to one of the stalls, I spotted a poster that read, “Read the Bible.” I chose a card from the display and approached. A friendly man greeted me, and we began to discuss.

“I am a nun,” I said.

“Are you happy?” he asked.

“No, not at all.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know I’m going to Hell.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I am very sinful. Even if I went to confession every day, my sins could not be forgiven. At the same time, I do penance exercises, pray, cry, seek the Lord, make pilgrimages, and abuse my body. I am completely exhausted, and I know I am not pleasing God. What do I have to do?”

“Nothing!” the man answered. “It is obvious that you are not pleasing God. You have chosen the wrong way to come close to Him. Remember what Jesus said on the cross, ‘It is finished.’ Why do you want to add to His finished work? You just have to believe that He did it all for you and that He will give you eternal salvation.”

And I believed. In the middle of that marketplace, in the middle of the crowd, the Lord found me, and I found Him. I was completely overwhelmed by so much grace, light, love, forgiveness, and happiness. God had come to me! The crushing weight of my guilt fell from my shoulders, my heart was washed, my conscience cleansed, and my strength returned.

Oh, how perfect is the sacrifice of Jesus. He took our sins upon Himself and bore the punishment for them. He, the Son of God took care of it. Oh, what joy when all guilt has been forgiven. What a glorious certainty! Hell was no longer waiting for me because Heaven had just opened to receive me.

The resistance began after saying goodbye to the man. I got on my bike and headed home. It seemed to me that I had never ridden so fast before. My mother immediately noticed that I was not the same. I told her everything I had just experienced at the market, about the grace given, about the forgiveness of sins. She knew exactly what state I had been in as she had seen me cry often enough. And yet her reaction was surprising: she told me that if I had any intention of continuing to meet with “those people,” I was no longer welcome in her home. I understood exactly what she meant and the severity of it, but none of her words could dampen the happiness that had filled my heart since the Lord had come to dwell in it. Soon after, my superiors from the convent wanted me to resume my work in the secretariat of their clinic, which I had done for ten years. My mother let me go, and I returned to the monastery. But I knew that my days there were numbered. I also knew that the evangelical community in Lourdes was praying for me. I could often literally feel the Lord giving me strength to fight the good fight.

I spent only a few days in the clinic office, then I was transferred 600 km away. From this distance, I could not see the “heretics” anymore, they thought. But thanks to the Lord, there were evangelical Christians also in the new place, and they helped me a lot. So I understood that I had a new family. I now belong to the family of the true children of God. What a miracle!

In this last place, I stayed for one year. I testified my faith before the nuns and before the students at the boarding school for which I worked, as well as before their parents. Then I handed in my resignation.

God Gives Me Grace After Grace

I returned to Lourdes where I went regularly to the evangelical church that had helped me in the beginning. From the very first service, I was struck by the love Christians had for one another. What a difference from what I had experienced in the monastery!

To confirm that my life now belonged to Jesus Christ, I was baptized—along with seven others—in the river near Lourdes. On this occasion, I met a Russian preacher who had a lot of similarity with my father. He knew a family whose youngest son was looking for a wife. The Lord had already prepared everything. How could I refuse this additional gift?

Today, my husband and I are retired. We devote a great deal of our time to preaching the Gospel. You can guess how I personally share the Gospel message: I stand with a Bible at the market stand and testify to God’s love for all people and that His salvation is available free of charge.

Closing Words

In conclusion, I would like to say that I have not found God in religion or in the monastery, nor in my heart where I should have sought Him according to the advice of some people.

But God can be found in His written Word, in which He reveals Himself through the Holy Spirit so that we may know His Son, whom He sent to save us.

In short, it was a pope who enabled me to see the errors of his Church, and it was a bishop who helped me get out of the monastery. Finally, it was a preacher who, in obedience to Christ, stood in the marketplace that day so I could take hold of grace and experience the goodness of God.

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth! (Isaiah 52:7)

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Taken from the book, The Truth Set Us Free: Twenty-three Former Nuns Tell Their Stories

compiled by Mary Hertel.

(photo from istockphoto.com; used with permission; design by Lighthouse Trails)